Sex and Sweets

i havent written on this in a while

2010-07-13T03:29:00.002-04:00

i dunno if i can anymore

2010-05-14T23:23:00.001-04:00

Her room is strobe lit in the morning. The bedspread is too bright, ruffled and yellow around us. She kisses my nose and bites my ear. “you should get yourself looked at,” she says, straddling me. She makes a stern face. “Call today.”
Last night in the candle-fluttering dark, she said, “you’ll love this,” turned a CD on and then slipped back under the sheet. I sang, stumble-dancing around in my underwear as she laughed. Later, she asked if I’d visit her this summer and I said yes. The dark quieted, and after a while I told her that I haven’t been feeling well. She held my hand, asking questions until I said I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. She slept all night, mouth plum and half open, while I tossed and turned.
She slides off of me and stands next to the bed, naked in in the morning light. “Don’t you think you should? Neil? Are you even listening to me?”
“I think I’ll wait it out. I need to sweat more. Toxins be gone!” I already know what’s wrong.
“I think you should go to the health clinic. I’m sure they’ll see you right away and you’ll be fine. It’ll only take a second.”
She pulls a pair of panties and a bra from the drawer, drops them on her desk and then puts on a robe. “You should do it right now. Call them.”
“I’m gonna go soon.”

Its peaceful and beige around me for a minute, and then I’m sweating profusely--glued to the examination tables butcher paper. The room is stifling, and when the neurologist turns the lights down, it’s a charred jar dropped over me. He leans at me and I flinch and laugh uncomfortably. I tongue my cheek. When I open my eyes, he’s an inch from my face, exhaling against my lips. Shining a penlight in my face, he swings his finger in front of my eyes.
Breathing loud and measured like he’s deep in a dreamless sleep, the doctor watches my eyes dart and bob. He asks me to stop blinking, but the harder I try to track his finger the more my eyes jump. Again--”Try not to blink, Neil.”
“I am.”
“Talk to me about what brings you here,” he says, walking quickly to the wall. I stretch my eyes, trying too keep them from watering. “Tell me how you’ve been feeling.” It feels like I’m falling from a merry-go-round when the room brightens.
“I’m doing pretty well, I guess.”
“Why are you visiting me then?” he asks, seriously.
I mumble my litany of symptoms. He glances up from the file he’s writing in but looks out the window behind me.
“We’re probably going to have to do a spinal tap,” he says, nonchalantly. The file hangs loosely from his armpit. “Unless, of course, an MRI shows us something tangible. You’ll need to get one right away.”
I stare at him, I don’t know what the fuck he’s talking about, the spinal tap or the MRI. Lowering my eyes, I kick my legs out spastically. “But what do you mean?” my throat is dry. “What’s a spinal tap?” I already knew what that was.
He explains the procedure, and I imagine--can feel--the enormous needle pushing through the paper thin skin over my spine. He talks and jabs the air with his finger. “We need to start ruling things out to figure out what’s going on with you. It could be multiple sclerosis,” the doctor says. “That’s one of the first things we need to look into. Your symptoms could be the result of any number of very serious medical conditions. We need to find out what’s causing these issues you’re having. It could be a tumor or a lesion on your spinal cord or brain. A brain hemorrhage or a vascular malformation, Cancer, blood clot, stroke, or bleed.” I already knew what it was.
I can’t tell if I’m shaking or nodding with understanding.
“There’s a number of things we need to look into. And we need to figure this out right away. You’ve waited far too long to get looked at. But you are here now, that’s the most important thing.”
“Yeah…okay. So…so, what do I do?” I’m a bobble-head doll of myself.
“We’ll figure it out,” he smiles. “First things first, we’ll get you an MRI.”
The doctor speaks over his shoulder as he writes, then holds a phone to his ear. His jaw moves but I can’t hear anymore.

The world whirls when I crack open. Bookshelf, poster board, the windows wink their eyes. The digital clock is a red blur. Every light pulses yellow-orange and brilliant, and the TV is a blue splash.
When I stand, the room spins and I tip, slamming my chin into the bed frame. My temple rocks off of the wall and I crash back to the mattress. The first pounding breath is good morning, you asshole, and my insides rubber band.
Woozy and flushed, I thrash through the bedcovers while the cave of my room rolls. I lip-smack away the bloody taste in my mouth. The more I struggle to focus, the more my vision twirls. I’m hazy-faced. I’m fucked.
The bedsprings shriek when I slide off the mattress, and planting my feet in a heap of clothes, I rise for a second then go face down. I gnarl the insides of my cheeks and bite my tongue. Rolling to my back, I gulp the blood down so I don’t choke.
“SHIT. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTT!” I yell, laughing. This is a dream; I’m the first man on mars. “Jesus Christ, man! I’m down! MAN DOWN! Did you see that?” I look around the spinning room for my roommate. “I’m a fucking mess. A mess, man. A mess!” the floor is covered in my clothes from last night. I don’t remember taking them off. “I’m like fuckin’ Gumby down here.” I try to slow my breath. “Hey, Mark. How bout a hand? Yo, Mark?”
Lying in the dust balls, I bark for help.
I try to get up again, and smash into the wooden legs of my bed, and fall back down. Each time I rise, a giant fist knocks the wind out of me, sitting on my knees, my head is all clatter and thud. I rock feebly from side to side. I go facedown on the warm slick floor.
I swish bloody acid between the gaps in my teeth and swallow back a mouthful of puke. Blood fur covers my tongue. The computer monitor quakes when I finally make it up. I cover my head with a wet towel, but nothing blunts out the throbbing. Half of my face is numb.
I must have drunk a bottle of Drano last night, snorted a bag of glass, and leapt open-armed from the top of the stairs. A tree. A roof. The moon.
There is a warm beer on my desk and more in the fridge. A bunch of Vicodin in the drawer. I pop a handful of pills and chug. With my eyes half shut, I watch people milling around outside.

The box is an arcing pucker of crimson and tan as it curves towards where I am crouched. And then my vision jumps. The box I’m suppose to catch vanishes, and I can’t see shit. So I do exactly what my gut says: I slide my chest in front of where I think the pitch is going and the box recoils off the ground and hits me in the throat.
“Way to get in front of it,” my coworker Alex yells. “but you gotta not break the equipment, Renner!” his voice hardens. “that’s how you lose jobs. Come on now! Get over that hangover and get your head in the game!” I’m not hungover…
Nodding at Al, I lower into a crouch to pick up the box, trying to make out the shape on the ground. I look back up at him, it looks like he’s got eight arms. Four gloves, four hammers, all of them flickering.
I crouch down, hammer and nail in hand. I start to tip, and instead of steadying the nail with one hand, I plant it beside me like a kick stand.
The last two weeks the ground to my right has been rushing towards my face. The world blurs around me, and I go hours without being able to feel my body, confused, trying to figure out what’s happening around me. Inside me.

Later that night I decide to go out. I’m a moron. Some friends and I are waiting outside a club for some others to arrive. I light a cigarette and then wait, resting against the wall. My hands preoccupied with my lighter. My neck muscles tense when someone talks to me, forcing me to listen and respond to them. Mark starts to walk towards me, but when he’s halfway, my visions jumps again. He disappears. My eyes roll in their sockets and everything between Mark and me goes blurry. Its like he hasn’t yet started walking. Like time rewound itself. I feel myself falling. Legs quivering to right myself, and then, suddenly, Mark appears right in front of me, shooting celestially through the water colored light, snipping by me. Everyone‘s piled inside, and I’ve barely started to move. The guys watching hoot and clap and I mumble fucking shit and toss my barely smoked cigarette to the ground.
In the dimly lit alley, under the foggy beams of one streetlight, blood riots through my skin. Mark asks if I’m coming, and I tell him I’m right behind him. He walks inside with the others, leaving me to get my head together.
As I’m about to walk in, my arms prop up and stop me in the doorway. Nausea hits me like a freight train and everything starts to spin again. Letting out a deep breath, I stare at the floor, and turn around, walking away from the doorway. I shake my hands trying to regain my composure, but the feeling gets worse. I plant my hands roughly on a dumpster opposite the door and bend my head towards the ground. A cough erupts from my chest, and another with a little extra. I watch as a red waterfall splashes to the ground onto a dead leaf. More coughing follows, scratching my throat even more. I can feel the bloody vomit drip off my lips as I groan. Creating a racket, I kick and slam my hand down on the dumpster a few times, trying to release some tension built up in my body from the trauma it just caused me. I prop my head up and look around in a daze. What just happened? My lungs struggle to hold air as a gag ensues. Leading myself away from the dumpster with one hand, I’m forced to bend over, resting my hands on my knees as I cough and gag more. I blow air weakly out my mouth, trying to rid it of any access blood. Pushing off my knees with my hands, I stand straight up, but the world spins again and I black out, falling to the ground in a zombie state. I hear Mark’s voice, faintly. My body shut down.

2010-04-25T10:52:00.000-04:00

this weekend/last week was fabulous.

reasons:
1. met a bunch of new people.
2. drank a lot
3. earth day bitches
4. spring weekend
5. people were fucking crazy
6. i stole 3, you heard me THRICE times. (all candy bars) they tasted so free
7. i ran 2 miles looking for a lost friend who i didnt find but he found his was home and we ordered pizza. DOUBLE MEATY MEAT PIZZA MEATY MEAT to be precise.
8. i think im still drunk and will be for the next 3 days
9. i realized spring weekend is like a scavenger hunt. you go with a group of friends to a party area of about 12000+ people, and some of your friends/you (the smashed ones) are the targets and then the other friends/you (the drunk but coherent people) are out to find the lost ones. and its a game of cat and mouse all night until you stagger your way back to your dorm/friends dorm.
10. now the weekend is over and i get to see my best friend and she can take care of me/sober up.
11. i never over did it/vomited and remembered it all ****ALWAYS A PLUS****
12. some girl yelled, "IM A FUCKIN BUSINESS MANAGER!" really angrily at me.
13. there was glass on the ground, my friend kicked it, i picked it up and said "come on man its earth day..." and people laughed heartily
14. FUCKIN OOZEBALL (volleyball in mud pits)
15. paintball welts
16. lost clothes
17. yelled enough to involve a 1 mile radius
18. absinthe, dragon Joose, vodka, Mike's, dirty girlscouts,Twisted Tea, bourbon, dark and stormy's
19. beer pong
20. poker.
21. mature-ize
22. maynard louse!
23. bloody and bruised
24. friends
25. being the only one awake in a room full of drunkards/went to breakfast w/o them. sleep is for when youre dead.
26. wrestling
27. salvia
28. having a gay kid hit on me
29. realizing how awesome the world we live in is, but how ridiculous most of it happens to be.
30. picking up my guy best friend while hes asleep on the floor and placing him on his bed saying "this is why i work out"
31. putting blankets on drunken sleeping people. its fuckin cold here! and raining.
32. drunken shenanigans
33. awesome fuckin talk with a cop with drunk friends. "and the moral of this story is, always wear a condom." me: "dont wanna ruin ur life for 7 minutes of pleasure" cop: "seven minutes! thats gotta be a fuckin record! youre a stallion if you can go that long!" big lols. told us how to pick up chicks. VERDICT** cops on spring weekend are pretty chill and awesome. uniforms make me think they are different people, when they are just like me and you. awesome guys. they love talkin to drunk 20 year olds.
34. on fire dumpster + firemen
35. just pure wholesome fun, friends, family, music, booze, and awesomeness

2010-04-21T16:13:00.000-04:00

its funny looking at all the profiles people 'like' or 'become a fan of' or w/e the hell it is now on facebook, when it makes them a complete hyprocrit.

im fuckin sick of hypocrits.

sick.of.them.

FUCK

2010-04-16T18:54:00.001-04:00

this little phrase is frozen to my desktop.

whats on YOUR mind?

id love for you to share with me, anonymous or not.

-Neil

2010-04-15T04:15:00.000-04:00

a little update:

my back was in terrible pain all yesterday, but its better now. people shouldnt be submited to that type of pain.

gonna be in a little short film for some friends. video will be up on my facebook once its all said and done.

so my woman is going to stay at UMASS for the next two weeks. i dunno if i can go that long without seeing her. i might have to pay them a visit.

i dislike how my hair turns more blonde the longer it gets/the more sun i get.

that is all.

-Neil

2010-04-13T19:23:00.007-04:00

fuck it, i wanna go to hell when i die. im a red neck piece of trailer trash, it aint fuckin hard to see that.

2010-04-13T09:31:00.001-04:00

The Day the Dog Died

    we didnt even know each other, but we festered such hatred. we were only in middle school, but we represented our towns. the worcester kids stood at their bus stop on the street corner. the holden kids stood at their bus stop, near the stop sign only four houses away. my house was the last line, on the other side of my yard was an old lady who lived in holden. the holden kids didnt have names; knowing someones name somehow implied respect.
    the holden kids laid claim to the treasured church parking lot, which had a playground and the space to play any game you could want. they also owned the tiny public beach with access to holden lake. it was holden lake because we couldnt, and still cant, pronounce lake chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg. but we never backed down in our pursuit of these places, because we all knew that without worcesters roads, the holden kids wouldnt be able to get to their houses. they were trapped behind enemy lines and trying to hold out in a war of attrition. and we were continually plotting our advances.
    i was one of the oldest at my bus stop. i was fourteen, and indifferent. matt was a year younger, and adam was a year younger than matt. lenny, the teen suicide, was in high school already. there were a few younger girls, but they werent enlisted. down the street, there were six dark-haired kids, all appearing to come from the same family. they were all taller than me. every morning, we participated in the same ritual. everyone did their best to get out to the bus stop early. it was a victory if your bus stop was full before theirs. we faced each other, never breaking eye contact. it was a sign of weakness. occasionally one of us would check the windows of the houses for watching parents, and, when finding none, would launch the vaunted middle finger. someone would yell in retaliation, each action getting sequentially bolder. but the bus stop stare-down was out of our hands. half the time, our bus came first, and we got to ride past them, behind the protection of windows, and revel in victory. the rest of the time, we thought we had won, only to see “HOLDEN #16” emblazoned on the bus’s exterior as it zoomed past us to their bus stop.
    up until that point in our lives, it had been childish. a game, of sorts. we yelled and gave gestures, we stared, we did what kids do. even lenny. one morning sometime in april, i was in the bathroom rushing to get my hair just right, not wanting to let my bus stop down. i ran outside with my backpack. the air was brisk and there was a light fog floating around. it was a familiar sight, with us being so close to the lake. i was the last one to the stop, and i promptly looked down the street to assess the mornings victor. all six of them were present, their faces a blur in the haziness. i lost it for us. adam said something about it; i didnt care, because it was just a game.
    we heard the bus’s engine chugging along and we all looked through the trees to see if we could get a glimpse of the yellow hull as it bellowed through the woods. as it rounded the corner in front of us, we knew we had suffered another defeat. the front of holdens bus was slightly more angular and had less depth; we had seen it enough to know the difference. but the battle was not over, as the worcester bus trailed no more than five seconds behind. our bus driver seemed to notice the competition, and as the holden bus had to travel further, we still had a chance. we all lined up, estimating where the bus’s door would be when it stopped, and looked to our right to see the holden kids doing the same. we never really knew who won, because as soon as we stepped into the bus the challenge immediately became finding a seat. the holden bus had reached its last stop for the day, and headed for school. our bus still had one stop left. we trailed behind the holden bus around the corner, and onto a side street.
    sean and his sister were waiting outside to be picked up, obviously confused seeing the two buses so close in proximity. seans dad was in the yard with the familys new golden lab. he was a big puppy. he would have been our age if he was a person. sean and his sister ran to the end of their driveway. but this excited the lab, and it ran after them. he had done it almost every day, and the kids on the bus had craned their necks to get a look at the dog. nobody realized what was happening but seans dad. we saw his face contort in a yell, but we could not hear him. the dog excitedly rushed past sean and his sister into the street, and turned around to bark at them playfully.
    the holden bus didnt stop. its right side lifted up one sickening foot into the air as we heard a loud thud. our bus driver slammed on the breaks. everyone who was craning their necks saw the dog lying lifeless on the ground, as the holden bus continued mechanically on its path, rounding the corner and disappearing. nobody said anything. seans father forced him and his sister onto the bus. he made a motion to the bus driver to wait, and he went to the dog in the road. he bent over and gently examined it. there was no blood, and the dog was not moving. there was a subtle dip in the dogs chest where the impact had been made. seans father lifted the puppy and carried him inside the house, and didnt come back out. sean and his sister were still standing on the bus's stairs, with tears running down their faces, watching intently. someone in the front of the bus got up out of his seat and let sean and his sister cry together. we all cried with them, whether or not we shed tears.
    we werent playing childrens games anymore. we lost the sense of fun that day, and gained hatred. how were we going to face the holden kids at the bus stop the next day, knowing that they had taken a life and not even cared enough to stop?
    i went out ten minutes early the next day. lenny and adam were already outside. what were we going to do? we glanced up the street, waiting for the six boys to come. but they never did. holden changed their bus schedule and had our enemies picked up first. we never stared at them again. if we were in the church parking lot when they came, they turned around and left without saying anything. they were lucky.

2010-04-12T08:36:00.001-04:00

The Dark Ones

Deep inside the dichotomy of self
Lies the tormented soul, the unrelenting rage of ages
The chosen ones raise bastions, their seeds of darkness trapped with excruciating angst.
The dark ones play the role of Facilitator.
Frenzy in the fingertips, Blade in the hand.
Fervor in the heart, Martyrdom in mind.
Preparing for a new age of Crucifixion, they march on.
One by one.
They march alone.
In each of us.

2010-04-10T06:22:00.002-04:00

dont worry about my problems anymore, im just going to keep them to myself like i use to. forget i ever told you anything about anything. youve got enough on your plate to worry about.

but i do a little something to push you the wrong way, speak my mind every once in while, and if its not what you want to hear you pull a 180 on me. im not sure why. i wish youd tell me if, when, why, and how i piss you off. i seem to do it quite a bit. and when i do you use the thing that i did to piss you off against me. but im no hypocrit. if i say i find it more important to just let someone know youre there for them if they need you im not going to get pissed when they dont tell me whats bothering them.

just know that i care a lot about you, and it hurts when you do this to me... i just want you to be stable and healthy. i dont mean to piss you off.

Sorry.

Ps. something i didnt quite know how to explain to you before, which wasn't a lie. But ill try now the best i can.

Part 1. 2nd paragraph: it was about you, i thought you would have known that for sure, it was so obvious. my head was telling me you knew, but you just wanted me to say it. i duuno if i was wrong or right, but at the time i wasnt feeling quite myself, which i told you, so i was thinking irrationally and spontaneously.

Paragraph 3: text me when you feel up to it and ill tell you. but ill just be pissin in your ear with the same old shit ive been pissin for the last few weeks. yea, i think you know what about.

im so fuckin sick of bickering...almost as much as im sick of being accused falsely. its exhausting my brain and making it even harder for me to sleep than it already use to be...

i probably forgot to mention some things or said something in a way i didnt mean it...but whatever...its been over 24 hours since ive slept or eaten, so this is all ive got.

Ghfjdfhjhjdfghfjworfnfslwoejf...

ur such a dick, bro

2010-04-10T03:05:00.000-04:00

and you are beautiful.

best wishes,
-Neil

2010-04-09T02:38:00.000-04:00

cant you just say that youre there for me if i need someone to talk to. instead of hounding me for info, not getting what you want, then pushing me away and going into bitch mode. i know you said you were worried, and i appreciate that, but your cold feelings over powered your worried.

i never do this to you...

im not an open person. i went the majority of my life with emotional repression because i could deal with it myself. im always the one people go to to vent.

i know so much about some people i could destroy them, but im trustworthy. and i dont lie (which you acuse me of, far too often).

im not use to having someone i can confide in. if i need to share something immediately, ill tell you, like usual (but sometimes you arent there when i need you, which is understandable, but dont get mad at me when ive already handled it or gotten over it. and then dont feel like talking about it anymore). but if not

--sometimes its better to just let someone know that youre there for them when they need you. rather than slapping them on the nose, and shoving their face in a false pee stain and making them feel like they did something wrong.

2010-04-08T15:19:00.001-04:00

some confessions:

ive had a migraine for the past two/three days and wicked abdomen pain which has finally dissipated. im pretty relieved that it wasnt serious (at least i think i am)

sometimes i feel like you live in this other world that i constantly pull you away from, and you arent experiencing it the way you should…i dunno if im right or wrong this time…

how come when you feel like youre getting a step ahead something always kicks you in the nuts and sends you at least two steps back…

for some reason my dog thought it would be funny to put all his toys in my bed last night... woke up lookin at a stuffed pink bunny and it scared the crap outta me

how am i still alive or not locked up

i need an ice cold beer in the worst way

2010-04-07T16:38:00.000-04:00

we like it 'cause its good. its naughty 'cause we like it so much.

2010-04-05T14:24:00.000-04:00

with everything thats been going on its been a harsh reality check for me. i need to really re-evaluate the things im doing with my life. i need to look at the shit i get pissed off about.. the time i spend on irrelevant issues.. it all seems so silly now.. time to stop feeling bad about ever little thing that i mess up or do wrong. time to start with a fresh outlook on life.

ive destroyed several bridges in my 21 years of life and i appologize to all that were irrational or unexplained. but im not going to fret over or feel bad about any of them anymore.

all i want to do is be happy in life, and if that means destroying some fuckin bridges ill destroy some mother fuckin bridges. especially if it means to save a relationship that ive had for years.

people take too many things for granted. i wonder how many people would survive if everything was suddenly pulled out from underneath them. like running water, pre-made food, electricity, homes. EVERYTHING. do you think you could make a fire without a match at yourside? maybe you should try sometime.

life is too short. i could get hit by a bus and die later today. enjoy the simple things and be happy.

if youre mad at me, get the fuck over it. youre wasting your time, cause i dont care anymore.

2010-04-03T14:36:00.002-04:00

love yourself. we are all born good. inside everyone of us is a newborn spirit. a can-do teddy bear, yearning to do the right thing.

-Neil =D

2010-04-03T10:20:00.000-04:00

sometimes life is so beautifully boring. woke up to chill music and sun cutting through my eye lids. spending the day with someone who has more influence over my life than anyone, ever. i cant wait.

on a side note. im tired of hypocrites and their crity-shitty ways. so if some people are going to be that way, then id rather not be friends with them anyways. so its all good. theres plenty of people on this tiny planet of ours.

.:featuring tonic drops of chaos thoughts with sparkling rain water:. && lushes leaks of beauty:.

-Neil

2010-04-02T21:50:00.000-04:00

i must say, i do enjoy coming home from work and finding a beautiful girl sitting in my bed, in boy shorts and a tank top, with a computer in her lap and her hair messily tied up. reow.

2010-04-02T12:28:00.000-04:00

im a terrible person...bah i hate myself right now a whole lot.

2010-04-01T16:09:00.001-04:00

paying my landlord in 1$ bills today. i bet hell be excited!

yup, im that big of a douche sometimes.

-Neil

2010-04-01T15:20:00.000-04:00

can anyone tell me what that big yellow bright thing is in the sky? jesus its so nice outside and it inspires physical activities like a 16 mile bike ride. too bad i have to work!

-Neil

2010-04-01T00:56:00.000-04:00

i work at a construction site everyday from about 6am-noon at the latest. and i joke around quite a bit and its been catching on with the other guys.

for example, while standing around and having a conversation, it doesnt even matter if you hear them or not, or if you are even in the conversation, you give a confused look and yell, "HUH!?" / "HEH?!". its so much fun. even if youre only talking to one guy, and hes standing right in front of you, and you are clearly listening. it always gets a good laugh.

also, the other day. a few of us were up on a roof, and we spot a few guys leaving. so i yell, "so all the white guys get to go home early? whats that all about?" gotta lighten up a tough work day somehow.

enjoy the simple things.

oh no, im back!

2010-03-31T17:15:00.000-04:00

accompanied by a partner. a lady partner, ooh la la.

this new blog will be a compilation of both our lives, together and or separate.

best wishes!
-Neil